I’d love to say that I’d follow a daily blogging prompt and post here regularly, but I know that won’t ever happen. Hey, I’m just being honest. I’m lucky I remember to brush my teeth and wear deodorant every day, people. But there’s no harm in picking up a daily prompt from time to time, right? Today’s prompt comes from The Daily Post and is this:
When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?
To give a two word answer to that question, last night. But it thankfully doesn’t happen every night.
As a mom to a newborn (Er, I guess he’s technically an infant now at 5.5 weeks …), the nights can be long. Last night was one of those, providing me with three choppy hours of sleep before 5 am. Ouch. On nights such as last night, I begin to meltdown. The lack of sleep coupled with a fussy baby can make any mom insane (Or so I like to believe. Maybe it’s just me that’s crazy …). On top of the already chaotic night, last night brought an added twist. Our dog woke the sleeping 3 year old, taking away what sleep time I would have gotten.
On nights like these, I can’t help but feel lonely. The rest of the world is sleeping. Heck, so is my husband in the next room. I’m alone, fighting this battle that seems to be never-ending. Heck, I’ve got months of this ahead.
I let my thoughts get the best of me. I begin to think of all I’ve done wrong along the way. I scour over my shortcomings, wishing I could find the devotion to change and fretting over how I’ve tried and failed so many times. I think of a recent happening that angers me to my core – reminding me of just how the “black sheep” phrase feels and desperately wishing it wasn’t happening to my family; wishing I could just let it go. The to-do list runs rampant through my mind, and I wonder how I’ll manage to get it all done. I think of what I’d do differently. And how I’ve fallen short thus far. I think about what I want to do with my life … and realize I’m halfway done. I wonder how much longer he’ll be awake – how much longer I’ll be sitting around thinking the most depressing of thoughts. I fear putting him down, knowing he will wake up, and anticipating many more hours with only my thoughts. There are tears. Cold, lonely tears.
I’m thankful this loneliness doesn’t happen every night. At the same time, I hate how incredibly lonely I feel when it does happen.
As they say, though … this too shall pass. The sun rises each day, and that’s enough to launch me back into reality.