Today was a dark, heavy day.
To be honest, I’m not really sure of what to make of it. I don’t know if things will get much worse or far better than they are now, but I’m expecting the former and praying for the latter.
Things are happening to and with several of the most important people around me. Bad things. Heavy things. Things no one should ever have to think about or deal with. Long-term, life-changing things.
And I’m always in denial. Always trying to see the bright side. Until days like today, when the ugly slide slaps me in the face. Today alone it did so three times over, with three different people. And let’s not even talk about 2011 to date.
I’m still fighting. I’m still trying to see the bright side and stay positive. But I don’t know what’s right anymore. I don’t know where the line in the sand is drawn between being positive and carrying the heavy weight. But even that doesn’t make sense, because I’m always carrying it, I just carry it differently. Maybe facing reality is the flip side to being positive, but I do that when I’m looking at the bright side, too. Perhaps the bright side isn’t really bright, but is more of a mask that covers what’s bad.
I don’t know.
I do know that I need clarity. I need someone to tell me that everything will be alright – and then help me to believe it. You see, I’m always the one who believes in the up side. I’m always the one who says and does those things for others. But today, I’m not so sure I can believe myself anymore. I’m not so sure that my sunshiny outlook on life’s awful situations is the right choice.
And the thought that I’m even questioning my entire outlook on life has me a little scared. Okay, it has me really scared.