perspective.

I guess we’ll never see the world completely through someone else’s eyes.

I find myself judging people at times.

I wonder why they complain/boast about certain things, when clearly their words don’t match their actions. You know, why they say one thing and do/live another.

The irony of stories not matching up to the reality as I know it. And that’s where the problem comes in. Reality as I know it. I.

I’m constantly trying to keep myself in check. What I see and what’s in their reality are two different things. Distinctly different. But it’s not about my perspective, because it’s their life.

Maybe it’s my sense of perspective that’s skewed. Now that’s something to think about.

It’s why I take everything with a grain of salt, try not to dwell, and don’t rely much on what other people say. Again, it’s all in my bag of insecurities, faults, and not so great bag of tricks. Like I’ve mentioned before, I have serious issues with trust.

Awesome, huh?

It’s a matter of perspective, and it’s mine, the outsider’s, that doesn’t count. I can dig it. I just have a really hard time trusting people whose stories don’t “match.” I have an equally difficult time opening up my heart to them for fear that I’ll be let down by their inconsistencies.

Yet I’ve found lately that I don’t even have to open up my heart to be let down, because it happens anyway.

A lot.

This whole judging thing really stinks. I’m tired of watching people paint different pictures depending on the audience. Why can’t we all just be who we are without worrying about what people think?

I say all of this about others, but certainly it’s true for my life, as well. I’d like to think that I live my life regardless of the opinions of others, but that thought couldn’t be farther from the truth. To many, I’m highly secretive and very quiet. I’ll admit, too, that I’m a conformist. There are so many things people don’t know about me and not because I want to keep them secret, but because I just don’t talk. Fortunately, that list of unknown “things” contains both the good and the bad, so it’s not like I’m hiding only the bad and promoting the good.

And is there harm in being highly confidential? It’s not that I don’t want people to know things about me – honestly. I’ve just found over the years that I’m a much better listener than talker. And do people really want to hear about me and my successes and failures? It takes a lot for me to tell people things – again, good and bad. (Sounds like trust issues again? Uh huh.) Instead, I listen to people’s problems, worries, joys and successes. And I keep their information to myself, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when someone confides in you. That’s what makes me such a good listener, right? I don’t spill anyone else’s beans. So many times though, I bear the burdens of others, and those burdens bring me down while they feel better getting it off their chest.

But no one else bears my burdens, and I certainly don’t trust people with things about me because I fear they’ll tell others. Right … this makes no sense at all. Instead, I end up with my burdens and those of others – whether it’s right or wrong.

Fair enough, I guess. I mean, it is my choice to listen and not speak, right?

But does anyone really know me?

And back to listening. It’s not even like I use people’s “confidential” discussions as points upon which to pass judgment because most of the time, it’s well-known things in which I find inconsistencies. Hmm …

Does this make any sense? Sometimes I feel like I’m talking in circles. That I can’t explain things well enough. There’s the doubt again – the confidence issue.

I guess the moral of the story is that I need to worry about me, and not other people. It’s certainly not my place to pass judgment. Maybe if I stopped that, I could focus more on fixing my issues – Lord knows I have enough of them. It’s just not that easy … ya know?

Please tell me that I’m not the only person dealing with these things, only the crazy one who shares. I’m hoping that maybe it makes you feel a little better to know you’re not alone and helps me to think through things a bit. I’m hoping it makes us both better people in the end.

But maybe I really am alone in these ridiculous thoughts …

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