introspective: failure & jealousy.

It seems that in just about everything I do, I don’t succeed. I was just thinking, though – is the problem in my determination, or in my definition of success? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve started something and not completed it; tried something, failed and given up. It’s depressing, really.

Lately, those trials and subsequent failures or in-completions have been wearing on me. No one said this introspection thing was easy, eh? I’m so frustrated, and as my moments to myself become more and more precious, the frustration only intensifies.

I see those around me celebrating their successes; their new beginnings or happy endings. But considering the topic at hand, I can’t jump to conclusions. Instead, I have to think deeper. Do those people feel that they’ve completed their quest? Have they followed through and reached the end in their mind? Can they define their new beginning or happy ending as successful, or have they failed? I can’t assume they’re happy; I can’t assume they’re done.

And what do my failures – as I call them – look like in the eyes of others? What’s incomplete in my mind might represent a huge finish to someone else, right? Something I think of as simple may be huge to a friend or family member. I need to remember that.

I guess the point is that we’re all different. We all see things just slightly differently based on so many factors – what we know, our experiences, and our values, among others.

I’ve been taking time lately to think through things and not over-react. Remember, this is my year, and I won’t let my jealousy creep in as a result of all of this positive change going on around me – at least not too much. It’s one of my biggest faults – one of which I am guilty all. the. time.

I guess jealousy is like any other bad habit – smoking, drinking, over-spending, over-eating, etc. They’re all so hard to break; so difficult to give up. But with patience and determination, most of those bad habits can be overcome.

So, will this mission of mine to ditch jealousy be a success or a failure in the end? Can I be happy for those who are celebrating and succeeding and not give it a second thought or think, “What about me?” And even better, can I celebrate my own successes – even if they’re so small in my mind – and avoid deeming everything I do a failure?

Only time will tell, I guess. At this point, I’m trying my best and taking things one day at a time. Really, that’s all I’ve got to give.

What about you? Is there anything you’re hanging on to and want to get rid of in 2010? What improvements are you working on or what might you want to face head on this year? Do you have external motivators, or is it something you’re doing for yourself? If you’re on a similar quest, believe me – I’m cheering you on!

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One response to “introspective: failure & jealousy.

  1. Pingback: january in review. « okay, peanut.

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