i need to find …

… me.

Really. I’m unhappy with several aspects of my life, and I need the inspiration, motivation and courage to do what I want to do with them. I’ve got a fantastic and uber-supportive husband, a wonderful (and also very supportive) family, and various skills to put to use. Yet I won’t jump; I won’t change. Why?

I don’t know. I can think of at least five things I need to change. Two have the potential to be huge and life altering, the second is straightening something out that’s gone awry (At least in my opinion.), and the last two just take time that I don’t have right now and probably won’t have for a good, long while. Sigh …

Why am I so unsure of myself? I know one thing – it’s in my personality to over-prepare for things in a HUGE way. Before I make even a simple decision, I consult several resources. Research may be an understatement – seriously. I beat issues to death until I’m sure I’ve made the right decision. Then I second guess myself. Why? Again, I don’t know.

When I actually DO start something, I put 110% into it. I attempt to perfect it, and often put more emphasis on the process than the thing itself. And when the thing itself struggles because I’m focusing in the wrong place, I get frustrated. It’s a viscous cycle.

Without constant reassurance, I don’t thrive. And without a reason to jump, I’ll stand on the edge until the very. last. second. It’s so aggravating. And though I know I do it, I don’t change. It’s so silly.

I also tend to leave things unfinished. I love starting new things, but if they have an end, I usually don’t see it. I either get bored or decide to move on to something new. Again, in many cases it has to do with the “focusing in the wrong place” thing. If it’s not working JUST as I had planned, it’s not worthy and I won’t see it through. Ridiculous.

Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to make a change. For now, I’ll return to my normal, stagnant life. I’ll continue to mull through each day, always keeping these things in the back of my mind. I will continue to research them; continue to be unsure of myself; continue to do nothing. For now, I’ll just “float on.”


One response to “i need to find …

  1. Girl, I know of one thing on that list that I think you do need to try to do. You had a “mission” and I think you need to stick to it. You know we both have the not finish what you start thing going for us. We are just silly!

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